The phone call

When someone calls you up and talks about what you wrote here, you realise the power of this thing. Having a best friend always helps doesnt it. I tend to keep sailing against the winds, maybe I gain my share of joy with it. I am sure I have lots more to explore and lets begin today.

So now what do you say!

As life progresses it makes its self clearer. Now I understand the logic on why thers so much written and published about life in general and how to deal with it coz ya people and ya may be me need it. Its these middle years when you try to seek the meaning of your life when you kinda have everything else (or the hope) in place you just seek peace and happiness. But then when you know you have nothing close to any of these its just more n more painful. Its been years that I have just been cribbing and cribbing and somehow its become who I am .. I dont seem to accept that this is wht my life has given me and its on me to accept it as a gift. But then do I need it thats a different question.
Over the past years I knw I have changed as a person a little bit too much to even my liking. But its not a self decision rather a forced one and thats wht makes me even more  a rebel. This is just not who I am or what I want to be why doesnt anyone get it. Ya I had my shares of errors but then was it such a sin? I never thought I would be living in a cage but then its sadly true. I can just see sunshine through the window and then ya like a dog go out walking at times and thats about it. I somehow think about all the house pets and what they must feel like and I sadly label myself as one. I know how do I have the right to say this and this aint true oh no no open your eyes Mr. this is the truth. I am trying to get out and fly but then its a never ending hope. You and me both know the chances of it is just way too thin and then like any other pet I need to like my cage and be grateful to this life that I am having. None the least I do get access to food  (lol really) and I do get warmth and care and love (u must be kidding me).  I am not gona be a pet I am a human and not a animal. Life needs to stop treating me like one, coz I can call on to death and defeat it.

Confessions of a Bride to be!

Lazy afternoons spent doing nothing that too a week prior to your wedding,well would make sense if you are all set for the Big day.. but then when the guy is still not home yet, lest his ensembles and the bride has to put up atleast 10 things together this time surely is a luxury.

I remember the initial count 465 and the way it sounded never ending till like today when its barely 10, has the time flown by or what. Yes, I like every other girl had my dream wedding in mind right from the time I ever attended one and if this is turning into that one or no is too early to comment. The journey however was totally exhausting and yes very heavy on emotions which I wasnt prepared for. I mean getting married 3 times sounds weird enough also to add more zest its to the same guy that too in a period of 4 months, how ridiculous.

Every time questions prop up did u really want this? did u think it through well enough? till the end? why u fretting when you knew this was coming or did u not know it at all? I somehow knew the answer to it all and I knew I had to do this in a jiffy and in a way trick myself into this, lol 23 Aug and for me I fail to even recollect the date. Now that I think of it, I signed with no thought no nothing like I were signing a random paper no blushes no hopes no nothing and well I was maybe wrong. Not that I didnt love my guy enough but everything comes with its baggage and heavy weights are never welcome :P 

Something which I would regret is not enjoying my moments of joy I donno why did I turn so cynical about all and simply fail to rejoice. May be I do want more n yaa lot more. I didnt even realise when did I shop for my D day the moment was so so short lived, the other fact remains I did buy a whole lot of more clothes than I would ideally have but that doesnt bring the cheer either.What is it that is lacking?

I have sailed through so long for this turn of events and since 2009 when I did waanaa shape my life may be the prolonged time frame is the culprit. The uncertainty and the quest for more may be or may be not. One little screw up and thats the dampener all through. I used to think I would take super good care of self before my wedding, learn to cook a bit, think of making myself look the prettiest and now that all thats is in the trash all I can sport is not even a smile. 

Where are my emotions? why dont I feel joy enough or did I hide it? Thoughts on leaving home not having mum by my side, her eyes. Not having sand to annoy and have the love of and my pillar my dad, well it certainly is not a good move is it. But then ever awaiting eyes of my Husband with all false assurances does at times make me feel alright but yes it would take its time. Moving into some home where ppl are passive to you and all the change in the momentum is something which is inevitable and I do need to pull my socks and get going.

May be my goal is near, very near and I dont waanaa let go so soon

Aiso gaye pardesh piya tum!

Saawan beeto jaaye pi harwa...
Mann mera ghabraaye...
Aiso gaye pardesh piya tum...
Chain humein nahi aaaaaaaye...
Mora Saiyan Mose bole na…Moraaaa saiyan mose bole naaa
Main laakh jatan kar haaaaariii... main laakh jatan kar haar gayi
mora saiyan mose bole na... mora saiyan mose bole na...

Tu jo nahi toh aise piya hum...
Jaise suna aangana...
Nain tehaari raah nihaaren...
Nainan ko tarsaaaaaao na...
Mora Saiyan Mose bole na…Moraaaa saiyan mose bole naaa
Main laakh jatan kar haaaaariii... main laakh jatan kar haar gayi
moraaaa saiyan mose bole na... mora saiyan mose bole na...

Pyar tumhe kitna karte hain...
Tum ye samajh nahi paaoge...
Jab hum na honge toh pi harwa...
Bolo kya tab aaoge...??
Mora Saiyan Mose bole na…Moraaaa saiyan mose bole naaa
Main laakh jatan kar haaaaariii... main laakh jatan kar haar gayi
moraaaa saiyan mose bole na... mora saiyan mose bole na...
 
I was so addicted to it around 3 years back when it meant nothing but a soulful song.. Strange life and a weird DeJaVu! Cant be better suited to me at the moment... Accolades Fuzon!

Back to seek solace

I remember how this blogging episode started and the tremendous relief post the first one...
I am so damn stupid I so so know it now... U know you dont need it but u still got to got to do it... Maybe I do end up cribbin in and out and try to yell out here on this canvas... thats coz I wish no ears around and its so damn embarrassing too.
Hurt beyond repair this bloody life still repairs itself for what to get back to the same shit??? Where and how is the way out? You think you learn from past.. fine you do but why do u have same old issues and same old tears and same crushing words..
All say watch your steps.. what the fuck do I watch? That my steps are leading to fire? or the fact that every move is tainted and hidden daggers surface? Somehow its not sinking in, cant stomach what you see or hear around.. May be you just dont wana accept the fact that its not what you really wanted or hoped for , cant accept the fact that once the polish fades it gonaaa just hurt the eye....
Have absolutely no clue where is this gonaa end... it better be good at the other side of the world coz here it plainly suckss and theres simply no end to it.

Copied for the first time :)

From Amartya Sen's Blog:


The Govt. should change its emblem to a CONDOM because, it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance;.....
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks & gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed!!!!!

Deceptiveness!

Had just forgotten the reality , failed to digest the fact that you are born alone , you live alone and you die alone...
Its not necessary that all that you expect turns true and its so true only people who are close to you can hurt you, fine but then how much? Isnt there a limit to it? Its a pity when your mate fails to realise what you are going thru and even more dampening to know that all thats happening makes only a difference to you and ur partner doesnt even care a damn.
I knew love hurts and I knew i should not be involved but stupid crazy heart of urs doesnt just learn from mistakes. But almost nearing middle age arent you supposed to be matured enuf to manage your affairs better and learn to accept things, well you surely are and thats why u just think that atleast what you signed in for will stay coz thts wht commitment is, but then you wake up to a new world all together and your net worth is beyond negative how do you deal with all? Just learn to live through isnt it? Thats wht my moms generation did so will we be. I know hormones to go haywire and its way too too difficult to handle. I still cant digest why does it matter so damn much arent you well off without anything and isnt it high time to get out of your Fantasy, friction not really coz this seems unreal and not what had happened.
Cant help quoting someone: If you think Marriage is a solution to all your problems you are highly mistaken, I surely knew its not infact its a multiplier to your existing issues so then why get into it too? Coz you cant live alone and you need a mate and the saga goes on.
Somehow thought penning it down would help may be it wouldnt anymore coz its been a while and you really need sunlight