Lazy afternoons spent doing nothing that too a week prior to your wedding,well would make sense if you are all set for the Big day.. but then when the guy is still not home yet, lest his ensembles and the bride has to put up atleast 10 things together this time surely is a luxury.
I remember the initial count 465 and the way it sounded never ending till like today when its barely 10, has the time flown by or what. Yes, I like every other girl had my dream wedding in mind right from the time I ever attended one and if this is turning into that one or no is too early to comment. The journey however was totally exhausting and yes very heavy on emotions which I wasnt prepared for. I mean getting married 3 times sounds weird enough also to add more zest its to the same guy that too in a period of 4 months, how ridiculous.
Every time questions prop up did u really want this? did u think it through well enough? till the end? why u fretting when you knew this was coming or did u not know it at all? I somehow knew the answer to it all and I knew I had to do this in a jiffy and in a way trick myself into this, lol 23 Aug and for me I fail to even recollect the date. Now that I think of it, I signed with no thought no nothing like I were signing a random paper no blushes no hopes no nothing and well I was maybe wrong. Not that I didnt love my guy enough but everything comes with its baggage and heavy weights are never welcome :P
Something which I would regret is not enjoying my moments of joy I donno why did I turn so cynical about all and simply fail to rejoice. May be I do want more n yaa lot more. I didnt even realise when did I shop for my D day the moment was so so short lived, the other fact remains I did buy a whole lot of more clothes than I would ideally have but that doesnt bring the cheer either.What is it that is lacking?
I have sailed through so long for this turn of events and since 2009 when I did waanaa shape my life may be the prolonged time frame is the culprit. The uncertainty and the quest for more may be or may be not. One little screw up and thats the dampener all through. I used to think I would take super good care of self before my wedding, learn to cook a bit, think of making myself look the prettiest and now that all thats is in the trash all I can sport is not even a smile.
Where are my emotions? why dont I feel joy enough or did I hide it? Thoughts on leaving home not having mum by my side, her eyes. Not having sand to annoy and have the love of and my pillar my dad, well it certainly is not a good move is it. But then ever awaiting eyes of my Husband with all false assurances does at times make me feel alright but yes it would take its time. Moving into some home where ppl are passive to you and all the change in the momentum is something which is inevitable and I do need to pull my socks and get going.
May be my goal is near, very near and I dont waanaa let go so soon
