Love Sex and Dhokaaa

Oh I love this heading!!!!
Wondering how this is surfacing here??? Oh plzzz everyone knows about all n still keeps numb!!! Pyaar Vyaar n how your world spins!!! I dont just mean the hangover :P..... You can seee red hearts n lots of them.... birds flying.. stars twinkling and obv the moon in its glory... all so green and nice nice the best feeling ever..
How stupid can this entire thing make you na!! u behave like some stranger whom you cant digest...
Wait till you start getting cozy(U know what i mean) and gossip all around about the big secret...
And not to mention those drunk nit outs with the entire gang... and the so many discoveries to follow the next day.. LOL... the dhokaa phase begins
Big break ups and the emotional atyachar and the depression.. Cant you just get over with it and act as matured individuals? Weird pleasures people derive in giving pain...
Open your eyes to reality people. But yaaa by the end of the day these are the spices without which life would be oh so bland..

Long time no see!!

Been a while since I wrote something!!! Got no new things!!!
Life's on!! small adventures daily!! Just got a set of 12 500 rupee notes which were fake!! Met an old frnd who's getting married in a week!!
N also CHA CHA 1-2 3-CHA CHA 1-2 3- is on!! Oh its so so much fun!! Finally something interesting!! N yaaa obv books!! I wonder why i kept them away so much!!! Good yaa!! some progress!!! its almost a year!!!

GO GOA BABY!!!

Donno if words can do justice to our time.. Dont even feel like writing about it!! But on popular demand here it goes...
Roadtrip Highlights...
12th Nite 2 am:
Banged the car!!!!!

Dad: Dont use the car for ten days not even for emergencies!! I wana get the insurance claim!!

Tring tring:
I got a place should we do the booking??
Re: Great...
Effect : SBI line for 4 hrs!!! man bad idea to go to a bank on Dhanteras!!! Poor chap!!

Car system negotiation!!! OK done 8500 entire thing...
But dhh!! wont dad know we took it out to fit the new system!! OK so we get it done and undo it once we are back!!!

We have gone insane!!! THE RISKS:
a) No one knows we are going for a 3 day n nite trip..
b) We are going to take our car despite repeated warnings..
c) Friends family should not have a clue..
d) Car system needs to be kept safe also the plank in the back door needs to be hidden..


22nd 4.15 am...
Did Rohan call u??
Nopes!!
Neither me!!!
SHIIIT!!!! 4th partner in crime is missing and he is sleeping!!!
What a start!!!!!!!!!!!

5.30am leaving the city!!! Go Goaa...
Day 1.. on the road the speedway!! the awesome highways and the speeding... Maharashtra!! Karnataka!! Maharashtra and GOA....510+kms
Reached and left for the Beach!! Baga!!! and the shopping for shorts!!
Nite at Flying Dolphin One high!!! 2nd high!! 3 almost high!! 4th taming the Animals!!!!
Day end 2 am

6.00 am 23rd
Early start??? no no 3 hrs to get ready!! Sounds insane
Activity: Guys fashion show!! Min 3 rounds of T shirts to match new shorts!!
Head start: 9.30 am Karnataka: Karwar: Jog Falls
Entry Karnataka!! Entry fee!! Red Tapism!!!
Karwar!! Breath taking!! Awesome road along the coastline!! Also the deserted Rabindranath Tagaore Beach!!!!
On and on and on Jog Falls!! n what the road doesn't seem to end..
5.30pm Jog falls!! Finally!! Kms 1011
Elaborate Discussions on waterfall impact on rocks, types of metals n alloys used in suspension bridges... Tomato, onion, Garlic origins!!!
No comments!!!
Alone on the road for 5 kms radius!!! n gala vocal chord straining session!!
Back to Goa!! SO wana be back to Goa!! Goa entry!! next beer shoppe!!!
Baga 1 am and beer!!!
Day end naah naah!! on the way back more Beer!! Inside hotel 6.am and still drinking!!

8.am 24th
Alarm and repeat 3 hrs getting ready!!
Destination Goa!! Aguda fort!! much awaited!! Awesome pics...
Baga Shopping!!
Calangute... Parasailing!!!
Shit the days going to end!!! naaaaahhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..
One last Beach!!!
Arambol!!!! serenity and beauty at its peak!!!
Sealed with a kiss ending!!!!

7.30pm Goa Checkpost!!!
Mamu: 100 Rs
U wana wait!!! naaaaaaaaaaaaa
zoom zoooooooooooommmmmmmmmm.... and gone!!!
Amboli at 10.pm!! people in sweaters.. Head caps!!! n we !!! Shivering!!!!
Search for a Petrol Pump!! Sandy!! sandy!!!
Run!!! Run!!!! I Opened a Fridge and took out a Pepsi can!! Run before they find out!!!
zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzz
1650 Kms.. and back to Pune....

Naah not the end!!! The system and car needs to be fixed!!
Drivers home to take the car to pick up dad!!!
Shiiittt he is 2 hours early!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happiness doesnt alwaz need to be complicated!!!

My hormones or I don what are these!!! I haven been changing my status msgs this frequently ever..have emoted happiness!!!! Obviously been asked why?? N I reply: Coz of an online game and just been tooo happy with its progress of mine!! Think of it been stupid, but I so so value it!! It got me my smiles!!! n they are still surfacing!! Who says u cant get people smiling also who needs complicated reasons for the same??? :)))

I am the Happiest of the Lot!!!

Met my friend yst, he made me think "I truly am happiest of the lot".
He narrated an incident of his attending a workshop wherein some 200 odd people had come. He said looking at their problems mine are so so nothing. I surely am the happiest!!
I asked him what were their problems?he replied
I met this group of Nepalese who had finally managed to run away from a sex racket!! I met so many people duped into Flesh Trade!! Brothers selling off their sisters!!! N what not!!!
He said one of my acquaintances met with an accident n she lost her leg in it!! She managed to call me and say take care of your Swine Flu!! I am ok I can manage!!! HUMANITY
I try to reco.. I meet so many students whose parents annual income is not even close to what we earn in a month!! I meet kids of Drivers, Rickshaw wala's, Farmers and I feel so so touched by seeing their attempts to make their kids study at Master levels!!. I see my maid with swollen face beaten up by her drunkard husband, giving her husbands reference for a Job to my dad!! I see the adversity of my family friend who got married in her late 30's just to find herself as a widow within 4 yrs of marriage with 2 kids... I see the life of a single mom trying to work day in an out and yet find her thrown on streets by her landlord coz of house rent due and see her grown up son yelling at her for not doing so and leaving her in anguish!! I see people losing their huts in the road expansion crying at the sight of the fallen debris of once upon a time their Mansion!! I see people fighting against cancer asking for financial aids for impossible treatments of their kins despite knowing theirs a miracle they are awaiting!! the list wouldn't end
Its amazing to see these people fight back!! Life sure has so so many masks n ugly faces and u have hardly faced any n still u crib so so much?? If people get back on their feet post all this, try to digest the trauma n try to live what keeps them Ticking?? HOPE!! HOPE that the sun will rise and embrace them with light and all would be pleasant and at ease soon!!
I aint writing this to preach or even to evoke sentiments or any.. Just wanted to do so to appreciate life better also to realize my faith in life!! and to appreciate the beauty of LIFE!!!

I aint an Author!!!

I think almost every week what do I write about?? now wht do I write about!! Then I feel wht boring stuff ya!! no topic to write either!! Life has just gotten even more topsy turvy!! My status reads CROSSROADS!!! I see myself at a square n all the options r displeasing!! all's obviously been scripted by me! I so hate all now but cant run away need to face it all naa!!!
My activities is something I wanted to write about!! was reading about alcohol withdrawal symptoms and I read it states more than 4 drinks a week is bad intake!! N I tried to refresh abt mine!! it wd run upto wht like 7 easily?? need to keep a tab!!
Have been involved in somethng which wd never make sense to any!! It doesn evn to me!!! Just in a position where I just don wana think n decide!! not ready to let go or compromise!!! not ready to keep anyone out not ready to keep anyone in!! I am faced with questions "Swap Whtz all this" then?? n how do I ans yaa!! coz I just don kno it myself!! I don know how did life become all this huge confusion!! I sometimes reco ya at the age of 24 I had dreamt I wd be at such ease n all was supp to have settled down!! But the more I try to decipher the more complex it gets!!! I just am heading no where ya!! Kno tht I m just tagging along a lot!!
Its so weird naa that ppl crave for love all over n me keeps pushing it off!! have had enuf of it types but selfish me keeps askin for more in a subtle way!! I really m so messed up n don kno how does all get so complicated over n over again!! Weird year this one has been!! never been so complex till date!! n have abs no idea wher its all heading too!! Just lost track of my wishes too coz none seem to be making sense any which ways!! I just don wana talk now n define any more relations!! I just want peace!! don know how!!!

My Last Gift for my 24th Birthday!!!!

I got a Courier on 21st Aug 09.. Well ya was much awaited!!! Mom gave it to me n i opened it!!! It read:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWAPNA :)
HOPE YOU LIKE IT

-- SRK :p

I just couldnt contain my excitement.. Had to call up my Cellular network guys to get my ISD activated for half hour..
I simply loved it..

15 August 09 Amazingly weird but truly memorable. :) :) big smiles ..Thanks to all

Had a dairy of mine long back, and remember me scribbling about my Bday... Read it now n laugh. My 15th birthday n how I was crying... about how sick everything is... Now wonder 9 yrs have passed and I still celebrate and look forward to my bday like ever. now that it has happened 24 times i shouldn be.. infact I am growing way too old... The day was just tooo normal like every year.. My frnds called it a ritual of every year where they come down to eat South Indian food to ma place. I remember a year when 15 ppl had dropped in to celebrate my special day.. N since then year the no of ppl have just gone reducing...(wonder why this props up everytime I end up writing)
I got up n as I knew I got mom n dads gift.. GOLD n lots of it.. I didn like it as usual n cribbed abt the same.. Mom got pissed, finally had to wear it for her sake(wore the earring for 4 days at stretch accolades..) I got dressed wore a nice skirt n mom pingd in again "Its looking bad change it" n rest.. Man i was pissed.. Then ppl who were to turn up didn n I wasn even concerned, was over the Phone itself for long..In short I was just too irritated... Then sandy finally said let me cheer u up n he gave me his gift a Dress.. I saw it n i said u got me Curtains(Linen)?? Situation was just heading to... Then my frnds came in n they gave me their gift.. I saw the box n said FASTRACK??? I so knew before opening it will be a disaster(not coz they got it ok.. watches dont fit me well as i have a very small wrist all end up looking way too big) I wore it n i was like how do i wear this.. CHANGE!!!!!
Next I left to pick Ritu up n I pushed my friend out of Driver's seat n got me on the steering. Poor guys had to bear my temper.. I drove well(30kms/hr being the speed LOL)The drive did cheer me up n I was way too hungry by then .. had a great lunch n was lousing around all afternoon at home. It was evening n I had plans of dinner.. Idiot Rohan left saying I'l be back in a hour... that is 6.30.. Mayur said sorry M HOUSE ARRESTED,. Ritzy me n Sandy wouldn ever forget the time which followed.. I just kept getting Msgs.. sorry bike Puncture 15 mins delay.. So sorry Swap got to go for a Puja.. 30 mins delay.. M sorry M stuck.. 15 mins... Kisi aur ka car hai kya??? N m coming plzzz don kill me M coming...
3 of us just did Nothng n Nothng n Nothng n more Nothng.. no idea which mood or depressant we had consumed... We had no head or tail to our discusions.. Opps I dont think we had any discussions... Lol..Amazingly weird we survived !!!! We were just way tooo bugged n all wanted to leave n grab a drink.. N yaaa Dry day!!!! Finally Our Driver arrived!!! just about 2 hrs15 mins late.. I hit him so bad....
We were all looking for wine shops... n wht not like all major Drunkards... We stopped at a Juice bar thinking it was a sidy bar lol!!!! Finally who says Dry Days Exist??? We had our Stock n we were heading for.... well where were we heading???
I had called Ashu at Hinjewadi.. poor chap got stuck in between our stupidity.. I made him sit in our small car b that too in the back seat n the middle!!! :) We went down to some village nearby n landed up at an open area where the only people alive were V all. Cut my cake which had a cracker candle... Amidst no where.. no city lights.. no loud traffic noises.. no oh my life,.. Happy Birthday to me...This was a treasurable moment...
We drank our beer n had a fun time.. I had a deadline to reach bak home n we left.. Enroute we take a different lane.. N we at our Bridge.. The car Halted n I stepped out!!! Was staring at the water beneath n I was called Swap I turned n I could see Gifts wrapped in all the possible colours.. Man was I zapped n it started 1..2..3.. 4....13....... 15..18... 22!!!! I had 3 huge Goodie bags!!! N yaa cake n watch so thats 24!!!!! My mouth was wide open.. Couldn believe what had just happened...
I turned 24!!!!!

Snehaa

I always knew I had to have a blog with her special mention.. Can be a testimonial for her too...
Miss SNEHAPREETI GOPINATH.
all who know me would know her as my Beshtestfriend!!!!
My birthday n all i can remember Sneha n her love for my cake..she knew chocolate cake from bakers hut will be rite there.... She used to hang around with me the entire day (nothng new all lukkha days). Dress up like its her birthday more than mine(PS my clothes too again nothng new). Pose with my flowers... n wht not...
Years have passed since we first saw each other as teenagers in school uniforms with two plats :). We used to take the same school bus.. n how we used to walk daily all the way to the bus stop one behind the other and never talk... Finally Sne decided to break the ice.. came down to talk.. Little did she or I kno wht was slotted for us later.... It was the yr 2000. We went for Marathi tutions and how she used to study and ask me to study for our boards...One afternoon she said Swap heights u should study tu kuch nahi kar rahi hai.. marks kam aayenge TV baadme dekh sakti hai... u like my mom is what I told her.. but trust me my 10 marks owe it to her..
Almost a Decade by now!! n it still feels like yesterday!! All our cute little things!! The way we alwaz digged each other wardrobes or else envied each others stuff and also STEAL the ones we liked!! Only to inform like a year later I have this top of urs which by any ways u don remember about so its mine now!! N yaaa to follow go and steal it rite back even if u don ever wana wear it again!!We didn mind stealing someone's bag too. Man I think the only time we have ever been so girly ever. We have went Gaga about so many things of ours nothing remains known to be written about types.
May be the whole thing about growing up and u have ur best buddy is something which is so unique in itself thts why it becomes so Invaluable!! We always consoled each other be it things which we scarcely faced and which by the way were so so stupid like our colony politics and how it was such a huge huge thing now those issues seem so petty, Barely had we ever thought of a time when we wont be around, untill we both had our paths!! I moved out colony!! n then she movin outta country!! Its been one hella of a time together and its just beyond words!! We aint the friends who u kno can be labeled as seen together alwaz doing same stuff falling for the same guys etc!! We both alwaz were n would alwaz be 2 different people with different choices n preferences!! It hardly triggered any tiffs between us though, we alwaz liked the differences as we did hav 2 different opinions on all issues.
Having someone like her is alwaz been such a relief factor coz u kno u would always have a partner in crime(now that i think about there are so so many to quote). Also in serious notes the fact that no matter who all walk in and exit, someone is stagnant and to have that someone like her is truly a blessing!!! Would always treasure our times more than any other coz they simply worth it!!!

Travel Tickets booking Agent!!

Date: 4/08/2009
Day: Tuesday
Time: 8am-1.pm
Net banking... & how things change....

Tring Tring 1:
Sachu: Hey listen can we try booking flight tickets to kerala...
Re: Hmm ok lessee.. Pune Coimbatore??
Sachu: OK

MakeMyTrip.com .. searching... pls wait..... Pune Coimbatore: Rs.6500
Re:Good lord i cant afford.. ok next Mumbai Coimbatore Rs.4500. Re: 'Gone mad or wht'...
Listen not poss .. I don have cash..
Chapter Flight closed(1st attempt).

Tring Tring 2:
Sachu: Listen Mama says Mumbai- Calicut Rs.2300?? wht say??
Re: Calicut?? Kozhikode?? aint it far??
Sachu: Yaaa i told him da samee...
Chapter Flight closed(2nd attempt)

Dad i asked ticket fare n Calicut is cheaper than Coimbatore..
Re: Ask Valecha he knows its better

Tring Tring 3:
Hello Valecha I needed some help.. Flight Tickets to Kerala which ones Cheap Kozhikode/ Coimbatore
Re: Where do u wana go n when??
I needed to go Oct and to Palakkad.
Valecha: Ya kozhikode is cheap but then its a Taxi drive of 4 hrs from ther..
Great , lemme see...

MakeMyTrip.com .. searching... pls wait..... ok Mumbai- Calicut Rs.2300/ and return Rs 2500.. sounds good..

Dad wht to do.. Ok book 3 tickets 22 Oct and 4 return 24 Oct. Total: 16790 something...
Dad i don have that much cash.. OK all permutations and combinations... ok ok talk to sachu..

Tring Tring 4:
Sachu Flight all info--------------- ok now Wht say???
Re: Done..

Text Msg:
To X: Me goes to Kerala in OCT...
Re: What wen?
Text Msg:
To X: OCT 22-24...
Re: Are i just said I can make it and we can plan our Road Trip????
Text Msg:
To X: But didn u say not poss, thats why I palnned... Shittt kyaa hai yeh?
Re: Read ur Msg.. I said its poss for me 20-24th Oct.
Text Msg:
To X: U put me in Trouble.. I just Finalized all. Dad's gona be ad N poor sachu fir se alone.. Kya kare? how do we send her alone?
Re: Best ask her to also Join us Road Trip :P

Text Msg:
To Sandy: Big Trb help.... n thts wht??
Re: U have lost it.

Text Msg:
To X: Let me cook somethng??
Re: Great mind at work!!!!
Chapter SMS's closed.

Tring Tring 5:
Mr Y, is it poss for u to take offs? Oct 20-24.
Re: Sure..
Mr Y : Ok m in mess.. our PLans On.. Yehhh Roadtrip!!!

Mom.. do somethng Sandy just said it aint poss for him to take off(Big Lie 1) also I cant take offs asked Boss(Big Lie 2) n wht do we do about sachu??
Re: Valemas Ticket needs to be booked...
Devils mind perfect ans......... Strike!!!!
Mom Sachu n valema can go together n she can come bak with dad..

Tring Tring 6:
Sachu.... Blah.. Blahhh
Re: Ok

Tring Tring 7:
Dad ... Blah.. Blahhh
Re: Ok. But then dont book flights.. Book her in the same Train as me..

Chapet Flight (Finally) closed.

Indian Railways reservation..

Tring Tring 8:
Me: Give me login id and password for Railways internet booking Mr X
Re: ---------------------, --------------------
Me: Thanks.. But wht do you do with all this?
Re: Do----------------, --------------, ------------, -------------------
Me: Wait too confusing....
Re: Chill---------------------,-------------------------,-------------------
me: Byeee...

Ticket 1:
24/10/2009 PGT- Pune AC 3 Rs:1522
Go to ICICI NET Banking.. User Id.. Password..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Done..

Text Msg:
to Sachu: Done 24/10/2009 PGT- Pune AC 3 Rs:1522. Please book urs n valemas going ticket and also Vaalemas ticket on 27th with Mum to come bak.
Re: ok

Tring Tring 9:
Yes Dad tell me..
Re: u got sachus tickets? U saw sleeper available?
Me: Yaa
Dad: Book 2 and keep Just in case for me n her.

Gtalk:
Me to Sachu: Dads asked me to book your both sleeper class tickets..
10 mins.........................................
Sachu: But they not available....
Me: M on booking page.. I can see 233 available..
Sachu: No not there.. Not ther
Me: LINk..................................
Sachu: Opps sorry book kar!!!

Ticket 2 & 3:
24/10/2009 PGT- Pune Class: Sleeper Rs:811
Go to ICICI NET Banking.. User Id.. Password..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Done..

Gtalk:
Me to Sachu: Tickets for coming back don :)
Sachu: OK.. M booking for Valemaa.. Her name's --------- ----------- na???
Me: LOL perfect person to ask...
15 mins............................
Sachu: M going mad Now Valemas says she aint coming...
Me: Why??
Sachu: Tickets expensive...

Tring Tring10:
Me: Mom Valemas gone mad.. all u guys have gone mad.... She says she aint coming....
Mom: why?? OK fine book.. I will look forward...
(Mom calls sachu to telll same)

Sachu::Swap... Please book Valemas Ticket.. I cant do it....
Me: ???

Ticket 5:
27/10/2009 Trishur - Pune Class: Sleeper Rs:400
Go to ICICI NET Banking.. User Id.. Password..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Done..

Gtalk:
Me to Sachu: Done.. Sabh pagal ho gaye....
Sachu: Yup totally...

Text Msg: Beep Beep:
Sandy: Why did you do this??
Re: All have gone mad.
Sandy: U top the List!!! Did u have any need to give Flight options???
Chapter Kerala Railway Tickets closed.

Tring Traing 12:
Sujit : Swap wht about my tickets to Hyd??
Me: M I A TRAVEL AGENT??
Suji: ??????
Me: i DON KNO M DONE BOOKING..

11.20 pm...
Kya kare?? kya kare?? Sujit.. OK FINE

Indian Railways: Railways Tickets Chapter opens..

Ticket 6:
07/09/2009 Hyd- Pune Rs:675
Go to ICICI NET Banking.. User Id.. Password..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Done..

Ticket 7:
04/09/2009 Kalyan- Pune Rs:299
Go to ICICI NET Banking.. User Id.. Password..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
..................................................................................................................
.................................................................................................................
...................................................................................................................
10 mins...
Refresh...
amount Rs 299 Dr to Indian Railways..
Error in transaction....
Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt............... HHHHHHeeeeeellllllllllooooooooowwwwww...
Wheres the E Ticket?? Whers the booking??????
Did I Just loose Rs. 300???
(None of the tickets being mine....)

Its Suchh a Smaall World!!!

Episode1:
Its such a small world... Just yst I was on ma frnds Mr. A's Scrapbook.. saw a Profile pic same as my frnd(Miss M)who is actually an acquaintance!!!Wen I looked closely realised the person was different.. Happned to realise that the guy(Mr. S) was my frnds(M's)fiance!!! N he(Mr. S) was frnds with my frnd(Mr. A). Now wen i call ma frnd(Mr. A) up he says.. dhh "he(Mr. S) has met U rmbr that day we were out for coffee n he had dropped in to say Hi!!! I had actually interracted with my Frnds(M's) Fiance.. N guess what none of them live in Pune!!!

Episode 2:
My senior from Marketing updates her profile as Committed.. I ask her who is the Guy.. N small world again the Guy works in my same building infact same Floor!!! N happens to be an acquaintance again!!!!

SMall Small World!!!

Somethng for Me :)))

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely, is there a silence
In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day
I dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Perfect Day to start bloggin I supp!!!

M here.. somethng that i never thought abt, except 2 days bak wen a frnd showed me his blog!!! It was kinda gettin suffocated.. wanted a medium to put all of it out.. Hope this is the way!!!This moment this day this year I Don kno if I am sad or happy.. don kno if this was wht I waited for or dreaded about!!! don kno wher, wht, how or whom!!! Left in crossroad is somethng thts sure....n easy way to put it M Lost!! Pondering!! over : almost thru with one third of ma life n wen I think abt it.. its given me so so so much, much!!!somethngs that I oh so wanted!! Somethng tht I oh so never wanted!! Somethng that i made happen and somethng that I couldn just make it!!! so whys thers so much more quest????? U get whtever u want and then u decide to leave it... Why??? coz u hope theres sunshine on the other side.. Wait till u get there n u feel the darkness n the vacuum!!! Again Ponder is this what u wanted??? Nahh ther it goes again for a Toss....
Past three years have been a Roller Coaster of Emotions!!! Oh wait its wen I actually realised what are emotions in the 1st place.. I realised what it actually feels like wen u in Pain... Realised the soft inside of me which was always in for Brutal Attacks( Dumb ass)... My lacrymatic fluid realeasing nerves had been off for long, finally they realised their functions!! they opened the gates and also drained me away!!! Never have I cried this bad.. But my Jaw muscles did work on n off... Have had times wen unknown smiles used to surface all through!!! But then they didn really last... It probably is my mistake because i never made them stay back... Never made attempts to do so... Probably seeked solace in tears... Had some small things happening, had managed to scale some heights which did take me to conquering small everests in ma life... But still somethng in tht phase also remains unsatisfied,,, The Zest or Zeal to serve better...
Now the recent events.. Moved outta of my dream world into reality.. couldn really see a lot of helping hands.. Realised can count them with my fingers... of one hand thats the number that remain.. (In school i used to think how can mum n dad have such small no of friends.. how can they be so so anti social didn kno just ten yrs i wd be in the same position as them dhhhh learn from Life itself)..
Tough times never last is a book thats lying in ma shelf.. saw it today mrng n had a smile imm... Ya times the best healer... it does.. But ya like burns they would always manifest. Always sayin man u did this to me.. see now how dry n weak n lifeless have I become.. Then u ask.. wht did I do??? unknown mistakes n then they start ling up... U try to run ways but they seem to be so long that they inevitably reach u..... N the guilt that engulps... Nothng can beat that.. Its wht I am in at the moment..Saw my self go thru so so much... never thgt would take all bullshit of anyone on my face.. But was takin in any n everythng.. Simple coz I had lost myself n ma indentity in between all the guilt... U see the beggar who hasn eaten a thing u give him things with Fungus on it his tummy wont deny.. or may be a sponge just takes in everythng up... Accused for wht not... took all up... :(((( But yaa some point realised enuf cant take it anymore.. Cant live with the lost identity and an unknown to self.. Need to get me bak.... need to breath n breath fresh... need to live n seek happiness.... enuf... enuf...
But you do pay for ur mistakes n m still paying....enuf finnaly never seemed to happen.. The strong me was nowher.. lost tooo much like amidst pacific islands to evn try makin an attempt.. Bruised.. n wounded struggling life... But excuse me?? Ho did I get here in this Big huge shit hole in the first place???? ask me n i wd be blank... it wasn ever ever that i realised till date.. no ans to the why.. Probably like innocent love u only had needed care n u return with broken hearts.... Evry day evry min u try to stand up... make a HEAD WAY.. but ther you go down the drains.. not happening.. Finally wen u land up IGNORANCE IS BLISS... u seem to mask it all with empty smiles.. But then u cant survive like this for long... n need to struggle coz how long can this fake u keep urslef going??? wher is the real u??? Its just yst that i learnt new thngs... thts wen i realised.. all of it just in vain!!! nothng actully happened.. me n my lost self made ita Big deal by just contemplating things... May be my prejudice or I don kno wht.. thta wen it burst.. Wht the hell is all this??? why m I doing all this??? I had left it stating a new beginning n enuf of shit... wen did I myself become a huge shit???? naaah... cant be me but sadly yaaa accepted it... Realised my real self..n who still craves for Love.. didn i just yst call it all bullshit??? yep.. coz mayebe it is but then why does it again get into our blood?? why?? WHY WEN U CANT HAVE THINGS WHIC R ALREADY URS???? Its like cant live with it cant live without!!!!... But wen u see some small positives for for that someone.. u wont be seen neither wd be ur prefrences.. Just Plain hopes of that ones prosperity n well being dominates... Its wht.. Its then wen u actually realised its actually over.... its really over... N u need to let go.... Let go... Let go........... Its all over.. N let go......